I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize
