Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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