who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
