how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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