You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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