I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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