I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
