I love black thongs
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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