I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
