I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
