A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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