glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
