Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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