her vagine was all disorganized.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
