So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
