so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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