Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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