I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
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I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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