I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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