I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
