i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
