Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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