if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
