My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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