The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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