Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
