He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i believe in u and ur pee
I want a musical about memes.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
