Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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