May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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