girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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