And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
