You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
we made out on top of his cat.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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