Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
