he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
