had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
