I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
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I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize