listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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