cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
