Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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