My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
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Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
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He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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