I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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