made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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