Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
