feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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