4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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