i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
