"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
