I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
