you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
