i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
