I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
