Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
