I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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