I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
