I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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