got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
