Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
