my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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