She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
