I think my vagina is haunted
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
